Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
