How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
