Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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