youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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