well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
