So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
