I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
