We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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