I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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