it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
