so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
