Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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