It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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