arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
