when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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