There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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