I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
