his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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