Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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