there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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