i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
