He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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