I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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