Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
