I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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