For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
