If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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