and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
