My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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