Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
