A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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