One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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