I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
