I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
