it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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