I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
