It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
