just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
