Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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