You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
