i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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