He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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