I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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