My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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