My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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