Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
