Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
