I need help removing her.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
