just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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