I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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