this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
