I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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