why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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