Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Life is so much better after having sex.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
