I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
