i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
two words...techno handjob
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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